Dire Parental Threats

Bug - my daughter - is pregnant. Very pregnant. She looks like she is smuggling stolen goods under her shirt. Yes, THAT pregnant. She is due on Tuesday, although I cannot and will not lay odds on that actually happening. In her smuggleresque state, Bug has difficulty getting up from a sitting position. This afternoon, I was witness to my daughter's first-ever (that I know of) Dire Parental Threat to her firstborn, Peanut.

Bug was sitting on the sofa, mucking about on her Facebook account. When she finished, she asked Peanut to help her get up. Peanut resisted, since she was busy doing something that only other six year olds would truly understand and appreciate the importance of. I have no clue what that something was, for I was mucking about on my desktop computer as this exchange began, not paying too much attention. However, what I did witness went something like this ...

"Peanut, help me up, please."

"Hang on, Mom."

"Peanut, I need help up."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? I'm pregnant."

"Why do I always have to help you?"(fantastic kid logic here)

"Do you have ANY idea the number of times I changed your poopy diapers when you were a baby?" (I held up four fingers, just to be helpful.)

"No."

"LOTS! I can't believe I did that. For what? So you would not help your pregnant mother get off the sofa?"

*silence*

"Just for that, when I get old, I am going to make you change my poopy diapers."

"No you aren't!"

"Yes I am. As a matter of fact, I am going to poop in my pants right now and make you clean it up. Check the back of my pants, see if there's a present there for you."

"No!"

"Go get some toilet paper! You are cleaning this up!"(I suggested Wet Naps might be a better idea but no one heard me through the gasping breaths I was taking to try not to lose it.)

"NO!"

"Hurry up! I'm grinding it in!"

"NO!!"

"Corn? When did I have corn????"

By this point I was in tears and incapable of coherent speech. After a few minutes I was able to tell Peanut, "You know Peanut, your mom is a freak but don't feel bad, my daughter is worse."

She got the joke *L*.