Mom & Dad

I made my weekly trek to Moose Jaw today. Of course I had my adoption documents in hand, wanting to share them with my dad. I forgot to print off any of the pictures of my birth family, and Dad was disappointed. However, I was there really early - so you KNOW I went by myself - and we went through the information. Dad read every detail, every line, noting things I had missed in my nervous state on Wednesday. He oohed and ahhed, and we had fun pouring over my treasured documents.

Part of the reason I wanted to get there early was because my older sister was coming over for lunch as well. Today was the day to take flowers to Mom's grave. I did not want to share my adoption information with my sister, and that is ALL I am saying about that. Sadly, I had forgotten to gag Dad on Wednesday. He had already told her, and one of my brothers. He had tried to tell my other two brothers, but had not been able to get a hold of them. Sheesh.

Well, we went out to the cemetary. It is still not an easy thing to do. Dad's sadness is palpable. He misses Mom. There is no easy way to say that. He likes to be close to her, and that is where her body is, the closest thing he can get to being with her. He wiped off her headstone and planted the flowers. I had to help him up afterwards. Something is wrong with him. I wish I knew what it was. I worry that he simply misses her too much. Being alone is too much for some people.

I do not want to find one father and lose another. I greedily want both. I want them to meet each other. I want my birth parents to meet my dad, see what a good man it was who helped raised me. I want my dad to know my parents, to know they are good people. I worry that it might not happen. The possibility of it NOT happening saddens me.

Dad was telling me that he is sorry Mom is not here to share in my discovery. Both Mom and Dad were always supportive of me searching for my family. They thought it was important. He said she would have been thrilled. He is right, she would be. If there is something beyond this world, I hope she knows. I hope it makes her smile.

I did it, Mom. I found them. See, sometimes that stubborn part of me is a good thing. They are good people, Mom. They were young, and they problems, but I believe they loved me, and that they still do. I was not a secret. Everyone knew about me. That would please you, I know. They have good senses of humour, and I think Bug gets her jawline from my mother. Dad is not the only one who wishes you were here for this. I wish you were, too.