I lost my hotmail account. I know I rarely use it (for rarely read never, really), yet I had tried to maintain it in case ...... well just in case. Stupid really, but ..... *sigh* ..... I reactivated it, so I guess its okay.

Jim convocated yesterday. It was a huge event, a milestone in my world simply because I helped shape the destiny of one other person on this planet, in a way that will make his life better. I did that, and if I never do anything else to be proud of, that is enough. It was an exhausting day, but one I have worked towards for many years.

I am struggling, with thirty-one days to go. I am so tired of trying to get people to listen to me. Some moments I think it will be okay, then I think there is no way in hell he will want anything resembling forever with me. Murr said the only way I will know for sure what is going to happen is if I do not go. My friends seem to have so much faith in my man. I want to have hope, I want to believe. Sadly, wanting is not the same as having.

Frankly, I am afraid. If this does not go well I am fucked. There is no good way to say it. My heart is on the line, and while it has been here before, more than once, there has never been so much else of me invested. Not even when I got married did a man have this much knowledge pertaining to me, and that knowledge, sharing that part of myself, has left me so much more vulnerable than I have ever been. I have nightmares about boarding the plane July 16 with a gaping hole in my chest. The one interesting thing about me is that he will not know I am dead. Call it one of my little gifts. Or call it a curse.

I need to go finish tidying up. Spoofto's visit should be uppermost in my mind.